Monday, July 30, 2007

Her hands

I woke this morning thinking of my grandmother, of her hands, of my first memories of her - some of my first memories at all. I have no bad memories of her, only ones of her hands, with their sweet loving touch, always ready to rub my back, or do the dishes, whatever the moment called for. F has her sweet smile, with it's two versions: one like Mona Lisa, secretive, playful, the other a full-on, square, happy thing. Grandma never withheld her love from me and always made me feel like her "favorite". What a special gift, to make another feel like the center of the universe. I hope I can get there before she's gone...

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Lost

What a small town. The lady who cut my hair today - turns out she is going to be F's teacher in Pre-K next month. Cute girl. F will like her.
I went for the cut and "brighten up" because I needed a serious lift. We've been here 4 1/2 weeks now, and I am in a total funk. I didn't know you could hit your mid-life crisis at 33. I hear the words I say to the only other adult here that I get to talk to (lucky J.M.), and I realize that I have turned into that person I never could tolerate before. You know, the one who wonders "who am I, really?" and "what do I like - what is my purpose". Wah. It's embarrassing to even admit it, that those thoughts and words creep through me. But I do feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the way. I have no interests - there is nothing that makes me interesting. I have no identity, no individuality - I am only someone else's something. Sometimes I feel like such an imposter, like I am only a mirror of who I am around. Why do I have to flow like water, moving around the firmly grounded things in front of me? Why can't I see only black and white. It's always, "yeah, I see your point, that's true". Where are the big kahunas I used to posess, that gave me such a strong will and conviction - such a survivor's determination? And then there's the guilt from feeling these things when I have so much to be thankful for. How could I ask for more? How could I ask for this ambiguous, vague "more"ness, and not even know what it is I want? There is so much I don't know. Doesn't God want me to do great things for Him, in His name? Didn't I used to think that I was destined for that?
Where's that girl? Where'd she go? And are all the things she attracted into this life that is now - are they going to go away too, in search for her, and leave me here all alone with myself, whoever that is...

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Cowboys

In the car today-

SJ: If they're called COWboys, why do they ride HORSES?

JM: Because their job is to herd cows.

SJ: Why do they have to HURT the cows, Daddy!!!!!!?


(Mean ol' cowboys, teehee)

She's out to rid the world of all injustice to all things living!

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Funky Dinnertable

Tonight at the table over spaghetti, F starts a perfect rendition:

F: "We want the funk, gotta have that funk, OW, we need the funk, gotta have that funk, OW"

M: "FUNK!!!"

...and the noodles are flying.