Lost

What a small town. The lady who cut my hair today - turns out she is going to be F's teacher in Pre-K next month. Cute girl. F will like her.
I went for the cut and "brighten up" because I needed a serious lift. We've been here 4 1/2 weeks now, and I am in a total funk. I didn't know you could hit your mid-life crisis at 33. I hear the words I say to the only other adult here that I get to talk to (lucky J.M.), and I realize that I have turned into that person I never could tolerate before. You know, the one who wonders "who am I, really?" and "what do I like - what is my purpose". Wah. It's embarrassing to even admit it, that those thoughts and words creep through me. But I do feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the way. I have no interests - there is nothing that makes me interesting. I have no identity, no individuality - I am only someone else's something. Sometimes I feel like such an imposter, like I am only a mirror of who I am around. Why do I have to flow like water, moving around the firmly grounded things in front of me? Why can't I see only black and white. It's always, "yeah, I see your point, that's true". Where are the big kahunas I used to posess, that gave me such a strong will and conviction - such a survivor's determination? And then there's the guilt from feeling these things when I have so much to be thankful for. How could I ask for more? How could I ask for this ambiguous, vague "more"ness, and not even know what it is I want? There is so much I don't know. Doesn't God want me to do great things for Him, in His name? Didn't I used to think that I was destined for that?
Where's that girl? Where'd she go? And are all the things she attracted into this life that is now - are they going to go away too, in search for her, and leave me here all alone with myself, whoever that is...